


Life of the Party

by achray



Category: Daredevil (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Multi, Sex Pollen, and several not at all established, essentially a Tony Stark story, so probably not the crossover you were looking for
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-22 15:18:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4840370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achray/pseuds/achray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know what I think’s weird?” said Karen. “Going to a party where you know your boyfriend has had sex with about half the people there.”</p><p>Or, if your boyfriend is Tony Stark, never ask him about his sexual history.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Although this is theoretically a sequel to 'That Siren Song', in that Tony is in a relationship with Matt Murdock, you do not need to have read that story, and you don't need to have seen Daredevil for the purposes of this fic. It is a Tony Stark story. I spent much of the summer binge-reading Tony Stark/Every Other MCU Character. As far as I'm concerned, Tony goes with everyone. This is the dubious outcome of that reading marathon. 
> 
> Minimally compatible with/minimal references to Age of Ultron, but occurs in a universe in which the events therein either haven't happened or will never happen.
> 
> ETA - This was supposed to have more chapters. The chances of this happening, at this point, are slim. But it is entirely readable as a standalone story.

“So you’re still coming on Saturday, right?” said Tony, amid the rustling of him pulling on his pants and shirt.

“Umm,” said Matt from the bed, only half-awake. “Saturday?”

“Avengers and Stark Foundation shindig,” said Tony. “The team, assorted partners and hangers on, board members – don’t worry, you can ignore them –sushi and cocktails, terrible dancing probable but not compulsory. I know it’s in your diary, because I put it there. Come by at 7, wear a suit.”

Matt frowned. He had vaguely known about something of the sort, but had been trying not to think about it.

“I’ll set you up with a good designer, we’ve got time,” said Tony. Matt had the sense of being surveyed.

“No!” he said. “No, I mean thanks, I’ll find something.”

“Yeah?” said Tony. “Because no offence, but your work suits are a cry for help.” Matt heard him cross the room, and the sound of him rifling through his ties. “I mean, what I’m saying here is that it’s my duty as a certified male fashion icon to get you out of them as fast as possible every time I see them, they’re such a fucking insult to your body.”

Matt sighed. “Those suits are perfectly good,” he said. “I got them – ”

“ – when you were a desperate, starving intern, for five dollars from Goodwill?” said Tony.

“Hey,” said Matt. “We can’t all be – ”, and he waved a hand vaguely in Tony’s direction.

“True,” said Tony, sitting on the bed and leaning over to give him a quick, hard kiss. “Right, fine, have it your way, but I’m warning you that I’ll check in with Karen the minute I get back from Washington on Thursday.”

“Thursday?” said Matt. He yawned. “What time?”

“Not too late for me to swing by yours,” said Tony. He ran a hand up Matt’s thigh. “Though late enough that you really ought to be in bed by the time I get there. Naked.”

Matt smiled. “You’re going to miss your flight if you keep doing that,” he said.

“I own the plane,” said Tony. “I can tell you for a fact that they’ll wait for me.”

**

Some time later, Matt woke up again in a state of panic. Shit. In six days time he was going to a party _with the Avengers_.

**

“Ow,” said Matt, as a pin pricked him for the hundredth time. Mr Matteoti grunted and carried on doing something incomprehensible to a trouser leg.

“You are such a wimp,” said Foggy, from across Mr Matteoti’s living room. Matt glared towards him.

“You’re going to look _awesome_ ,” said Karen, reassuringly. He could hear her flicking through a magazine. “You’ll fit right in.”

“Yeah, Matt _loves_ high society parties, don’t you, Murdock?” said Foggy. “Used to go to them all the time, back in the day, right after we’d finished scraping together enough for a pizza slice and beer…”

“Very funny,” said Matt.

“Seriously, Tony’s going to love it,” said Karen.

“I’m dressing you for a man, huh?” said Mr Matteoti. “Boyfriend?”

“Is that a problem?” said Matt, stiffening.

“Problem?” said Mr Matteoti, “You’re asking me if it’s a problem? You let me set this up, start on the suit, and _now_ you tell me it’s a guy you’re trying to impress?” He made a clucking noise with his tongue and started pulling out pins, forcibly. “He’s a snappy dresser, Matt’s boyfriend, no?”

Karen made a stifled noise. “Pretty much,” she said, recovering. “Like, think Vanity Fair’s best-dressed list.”

“Think sugar daddy,” Foggy added.

“Foggy!” said Matt. Karen was giggling.

“Non mi rompere i coglioni,” muttered Mr Matteoti, along with a number of other Italian phrases Matt wasn’t so sure about. He winced. “We’re going to start over, we need to rethink the collar, work on these trousers, maybe a different material– ” He patted Matt’s leg. “You young things, you know nothing about proper tailoring. Last spring I made the suits for my granddaughter and her wife for their wedding, white tuxedos, beautiful; you can’t buy that in one of these _designer_ shops. Your boyfriend won’t know what hit him, don’t you worry.”

He started to get to his feet, with a grunt, wavering on his bad leg, and Matt quickly reached down to help him.

“I’m going downstairs, get the grey,” he said. “You all wait here.”

“So what do you think’s different about the special gay suit?” said Foggy, as soon as Mr Matteoti’s footsteps could be heard descending the stairs. “Is it really tight on your ass, or what?”

“Why are you even here?” said Matt, rubbing his forehead.

“Are you kidding?” said Foggy. “Watching you freak out about this party is comedy gold. Plus, these cannoli are amazing, do you think he made them too?” 

“Matt is not freaking out,” said Karen.

“I kind of am,” said Matt. “I don’t think I can do this. I mean, here I am buying a suit from an elderly guy in the neighbourhood who used to outfit my dad’s friends, on discount because we got his nephew off that assault charge, and I’m supposed to hang out with superheroes and high society? What the fuck am I going to say to them?”

“You manage OK with Tony,” said Foggy.

“Yes, but he’s _Tony_ ,” said Matt. “He’s not – oh, I don’t know.”

“You know what I think’s weird?” said Karen. “Going to a party where you know your boyfriend has had sex with about half the people there.”

“This is you being supportive?” Foggy said to her. “Jesus.”

“I call it like I see it,” said Karen. “Matt’s dating, like, the biggest slut in New York. _Former_ slut, I mean. And everyone reckons the Avengers have all been doing it. With each other.”

“Come on,” said Matt. “They don’t even hang out together all that much.” Or if they did, Tony hadn’t been hanging out with them lately. He turned towards Foggy.

“Don’t ask me,” said Foggy. “I don’t read that online shit. But yeah, I mean there’re always rumours, everyone knows that – what do you expect, these are the biggest celebrities in the universe. You’ve really never asked Tony about it?”

“No,” said Matt, short, and anything else he might have added was cut off by Mr Matteoti’s steps on the stairs.

**

“Karen says you’ve sorted your outfit. For Saturday,” said Tony, with a shading of suspicion in his tone. “She said, and I quote, you’ll be wearing a ‘special gay Italian suit’. Tell me I’m going to like this.”

“How would I know?” said Matt.

“Hmm,” said Tony.

Matt sighed. He could tell that Tony was mentally planning how to get Matt out of whatever he showed up in and into whatever Tony had stashed away for this occasion.

“What if I take Saturday night off patrol and something happens?” he said, though without much hope.

Tony rolled towards him and slung a proprietorial arm over his chest. “You’re coming to the party,” he said. “Don’t even think about it.”

Matt sighed again. Tony was warm and solid beside him, familiar by now, yet always surprising.

“I know that your – that Pepper’s coming,” he said. “But I was – is there anyone else I should know about? That you’ve been involved with, I mean. Not that it matters, it’s just – Karen said…”

“Karen said, huh?” said Tony. “Are you really sure you want to have a discussion of my previous conquests? Because not that I’m boasting or anything, but for one thing, that could easily take us till Saturday, and that would only be the ones whose names I know.”

“Very funny,” said Matt. “Look, forget I asked, it was stupid, it doesn’t matter.”

“Hey, wait,” said Tony. “Don’t get all tense. This is about Karen reading all the Avengers fanfic, right? Did she tell you about the one where I end up in a hot tub orgy with four Asgardians, Captain America and a tentacle monster? Because _hell_ yes – ”

“I said, forget it,” said Matt, stiffly.

“Sorry,” said Tony, more seriously. “You know, you _should_ know, maybe. Otherwise, Karen’s going to show you her sources and you’ll believe them, because I know you, and then you’ll brood over it. So OK. People I’ve been involved with, coming on Saturday. I don’t know, do we need to define ‘involved’? I’m going to assume you meant ‘people you’ve fucked’, makes it simpler.”

“You don’t have to – “ said Matt.

“No, too late, you had your chance and now you’re going to shut up and listen,” said Tony. “And before I start, I want to be clear that Pepper and I had an agreement back then. We were trying… there was some notion, I won’t say whose – fine, I will, it was all her fucking therapist’s idea – that an open relationship would help with all the shit we had going on in the last couple of years. Which it did not, and I am very clear on that. But for the record, anything I’m about to disclose could not be described as cheating, _per se_.”

“Look, I’m not sure this is a good idea,” said Matt. Sure, he knew in the abstract that Tony had slept with a ton of people – like about a hundred times as many as Matt, easily, probably more – but that didn’t mean he wanted to hear about it. Except now if he didn’t hear about it, everyone he met on Saturday, he’d be wondering….

Tony patted him on the chest in a patronizing way.

“First one, simple,” he said. “I can’t say anything about it because she promised to murder me very creatively if I ever breathed a word.”

“Oh my God, you slept with _Natasha_?” said Matt. “Seriously?”

“If I had done, which I will deny under oath,” said Tony, “then it would be fair to say that it was straight-up fucking, one time only, and that I was not the one calling the shots.”

“But _why…_?”

“Why would she hit on me, or vice versa? No, don’t bother answering that, I’m kind of insulted but I’m pretty clear that you’re going with option one. So, speaking entirely hypothetically, if I were a woman and I felt like casual sex with one of my male team members, I’d probably pick me too, and not just for my stellar reputation in the sack. For starters, I’m 100% _human_ and you’ve got to reckon that as a major factor, right?”

“I still can’t believe it,” said Matt.

“Yeah,” said Tony. “You know, since I’m baring it all here, I’ll confess that I was pretty fucking surprised myself.”

+++

Tony looked up from fiddling with one of the projections to see that Natasha was in the room, arms folded and glaring at him. He didn’t jump, but it was a close-run thing.

“You know,” he said, waving a hand to disperse various schematics and turning to face her, “it’s seriously creepy when you do that. And don’t think I don’t know you’ve suborned my AI.”

Natasha looked him up and down, in silence. Tony frowned.

“What, do I have oil on my nose? Don’t give me that – you know, _that_ look, that one right there. Jarvis! What’s she doing here, give me the lowdown, and also, when I said to alert me of visitors to the workshop, that was an _order_ , not casual banter.”

“I believe it to be a personal visit, sir,” said Jarvis, not sounding at all apologetic. “I have no indication of any issues that would require the involvement of the Avengers.”

Natasha sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I knew this was a mistake,” she said.

“What?” said Tony.

“OK,” said Natasha. “Here’s the deal. It’s been a _really_ long week, for reasons you do not need to know about, and I’m looking for someone to fuck. You’re supposed to be reasonably competent” – her tone suggested considerable doubt about this – “and of the options available…” She shrugged.

Tony was – “I’m…rendered speechless,” he said. “No, seriously, congratulations, if this is a test to see if you can erase my higher brain functions, it worked.”

Natasha raised one eyebrow. “Do I sound like I’m joking?” she said. She did something: some kind of shift in which her stance was less, I’m considering killing you with my bare hands and more, I’m considering throwing you to the floor and having my way with you.

Tony swallowed. “Uh,” he said. “Not that I’m – looking a gift horse in the mouth or anything – or wait, that wasn’t quite the right phrasing – but I’m a little unclear as to why you don’t just walk into a bar and pick someone out, seeing as how, you know, we work together and, ummm, fraternization and so forth…”

He also wasn’t sure that Natasha even _liked_ him, not that that was necessarily an issue, plus he was thinking about Clint, though he definitely wasn’t going to go there.

“I could pick someone up,” said Natasha. “But I might accidentally break them. And I prefer to keep my private affairs among _friends_.” She smiled, showing her teeth, in a dangerously attractive but not very reassuring way. “I heard you can take it. Though I’m beginning to wonder if that’s true.”

“Hey,” said Tony. “I can absolutely - wait, did _Pepper_ talk to you about me?”

Natasha’s smile became a fraction more genuine. “I never reveal my sources,” she said. She looked him up and down again; Tony tried to straighten up and suck in his gut, surreptitiously.

“My room, ten minutes,” she said. “This is a one-time only offer, and if I find out that any evidence, in any medium, exists of this conversation or anything following it, I will stab you in the stomach and watch you bleed out while I take a flamethrower to your servers.”

“Jarvis,” said Tony. “What she said.”

“Duly noted, sir,” said Jarvis.

It turned out that having sex with the Black Widow was pretty much like sparring with the Black Widow, except with fewer clothes involved. As always, Tony had gone in with the determination that he was at least going to last a reasonable amount of time before begging for mercy, and as always, a couple of minutes after making this resolution he was in serious danger of breaking it.

“Is that all you’ve got?” said Natasha, braced above him and around him, smooth and hot and moving in ways that shouldn’t be possible.

Tony tried to stop gasping like a beached fish, shut his eyes, and held on to her hips for dear life. He had a reputation to maintain, here. Any woman he took to bed – who took _him_ to bed – was going to leave happy, satisfaction guaranteed.

Natasha set the pace, which was punishing, and Tony did his best to keep up, thinking as hard as he could about the schematics he’d been working on. She shifted angle and made a low noise and thank God, that was it, she was close, because there were limits to how long he could be reasonably expected to last in these circumstances.

She made another sound, almost of impatience, and then he felt her clenching around him and came, helplessly. Natasha stayed braced above him for a moment, breathing only a little hard, and then lifted gracefully off him. She rolled the condom off and vanished it somewhere.

Tony blinked and fought the urge to drift into unconsciousness. With some effort, he turned on his side. Natasha was stretching her arms out above her head, her hair glowing on the white sheets in the dim lighting: it was a glorious sight.

“Mmmpf,” said Tony. He cleared his throat, hoping his voice would work. “More?”

Natasha looked at him with an air of faint scorn. She barely looked disarranged.

“Taking that as a yes,” said Tony. He felt some of his self-confidence returning. Giving pleasure could be a lot more satisfying when you weren’t desperate to come, even if it had taken him at least two decades of sexual activity to work this out. He reached out – cautiously – and slid a hand up Natasha’s thigh, curling it between her legs and feeling her quiver. He met her eyes and licked his lips and the corner of her mouth curved up; he twisted his hand and saw a flicker across her face.

“Get on with it, then,” she said, sounding perhaps slightly more Russian than usual, and Tony grinned at her and did.

**

Two orgasms later, neither of them his, which was a shame but inevitable at his age, Natasha stretched again, slid out of bed, and headed for the shower. Tony lay there and allowed himself a moment of self-congratulation. Things had looked shaky for a time there, but his reputation was intact, and he was still alive, so he must have been doing something right.

The shower cut off.

“You know, I’m feeling pretty used,” Tony said, as Natasha emerged, wrapped in a towel. She dried herself off casually, dropped the towel on the floor and began getting dressed, without even looking at him.

“And I’m absolutely on board with that,” he continued. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked at her. “Did that help? With…whatever the problem was.”

“You’re fishing,” said Natasha. “Get dressed, Stark, I’ve got things to do.” She tossed his pants onto the bed and he caught them. She was nearly dressed already, reaching down to snag her top and pull it over her head. Tony sighed, and swung his legs out of bed, reaching for the rest of his clothes.

“I don’t do sweet nothings,” said Natasha, abruptly, ”I don’t owe you anything, and we’re not going to do this again, so don’t get any – expectations. But it helped. Thanks.”

Tony raised both eyebrows and gave her his best smirk, and Natasha rolled her eyes at him and pulled on her boots.

+++

“OK, moving on,” said Tony. “Next up, umm, Darcy.”

Matt frowned, not placing the name.

“She’s a friend of Thor’s Jane, Jane Foster,” said Tony. “Or an employee, intern, who knows, it’s hard to keep track of those crazy kids. She was helping Jane with her research, but at the moment she’s mostly based in Boston. You’ll like her, everyone likes Darcy. She’s over here sometimes asking about her PhD, I’m surprised you’ve never run into her.”

“She’s a student?” said Matt.

“ _Grad_ student,” said Tony. “Yes, fine, maybe a little younger than me, what can I say, young at heart, yadda yadda.”

“You know, I don’t think I’m going to respect you in the morning if you keep going with this confession,” said Matt.

“Hey, you asked,” said Tony. “So anyway, me and Darcy, I took her to this event, we came back to the tower for a nightcap, things got a little out of hand with the liqueur collection – by which I mean, she’s tiny but she could drink _Thor_ under the table, under no circumstances should you let her mix you a drink – and a good time was had by all.”

“This was another, what, one-night thing?” Matt asked.

“One-night good times was kind of my signature thing,” said Tony. “You noted the past tense there, right?” He leaned over and kissed Matt, then pulled back. “Plus, technically speaking, Pepper and I were still together at that point.”

+++

Yet again, they’d ended up fighting, about the stupid fucking benefit drinks, of all fucking things, and this was such a fucking boring argument that Tony was going to demand that Jarvis shoot him in the head any minute now –

“You _knew_ I couldn’t go,” said Pepper. ‘It’s in my diary, it’s in your diary, I have a three-day meeting with ten of our biggest Chinese investors in Beijing and I’m leaving tonight, that’s all there is to it. I’m sorry, Tony, but if you won’t even pretend to check your schedule – “

“You’re the fucking CEO,” said Tony. “Change the meeting, cancel, reschedule, hey, I’ll get on the phone to them, tell them you’ve come down with some fucking bug – “

“Will you stop _swearing_ at me,” said Pepper. “Please.” She sighed. “And no, Tony, I’m not going to do any of those things, because I am, as you put it, the _fucking_ CEO and I have to behave in an adult, professional manner.” She was too much of a fundamentally nice and good person to put any emphasis on the ‘I’, but Tony still heard it there. “This meeting has been set up for months. I’ve told you about it at least five times - ”

“But I never listen, right?” said Tony. “That’s the point you’re making here, fine, I get it. For the record, _I_ told _you_ about the benefit. Or I had Jarvis tell you, same difference. Anyway, it’s _always_ first weekend in September, and we always go – “

“Not this year,” said Pepper. She sighed again, long-suffering. Tony’s hands curled.

“Look, I’m sorry,” she said, in an unbearably patient voice. “I didn’t realize this was a big deal for you. Obviously, it is, so I apologize that I can’t make it this year.”

“Whatever,” said Tony. “Fine. It’s not a big deal, it’s all fine.”

“Take someone else,” said Pepper. “Take – I don’t know, Natasha or whoever.”

“She’s in Washington,” said Tony. “As she has been for the last two months.”

Pepper pressed her lips together, visibly channeling restraint in the face of Tony’s petty behaviour, and looked at her watch. “I have to go,” she said. “I’m running late already. I – have a good time. At the benefit.”

“Thanks for your permission,” said Tony, and Pepper gave him a sad half-smile and left.

“Enjoy your trip,” said Tony after her, though the door was closing so she probably didn’t hear.

And then Darcy showed up later that evening to ‘borrow’ some equipment for a dubious experiment she was engaged in, and in a fit of pique Tony invited her to be his plus one. Companion. Date. Whatever. Let Pepper see what she made of _those_ headlines.

Turned out Darcy looked pretty hot in an evening dress, who knew. Red was a good color on her. Tony opened the limo door for her and she scrambled in, dress sliding up around her thighs. Tony averted his eyes. If he’d thought about it, which he hadn’t, as he’d worked through the night after inviting her and then for thirty-six hours straight, he’d have offered to buy her a dress. Maybe that would have been inappropriate, though.

“Nice dress,” he said, getting in after her. Darcy had already opened a miniature of brandy and was pouring it into a glass, one of many reasons why she was a girl after his own heart.

Darcy grinned at him. She wasn’t wearing her glasses and had on some eye makeup that made her eyes look huge. She reached behind her – Tony had a moment of not-quite-panic that she was about to unzip her dress – and fished out a set of Macy’s tags.

“Returning it tomorrow,” she said. “So don’t spill anything on it or I will _cut you_.”

“Enterprising,” said Tony. “I like that in the young.”

Darcy, unsurprisingly, didn’t have Pepper’s skills at wowing the little old ladies, but it turned out that elderly men _loved_ her. Tony left her for five minutes to hunt for more drinks in the crush, and by the time he got back she had two invitations to the Met, an offer of postdoc funding, and a somewhat doubtful date to view a private art collection.

“He said he’d show me his etchings!” said Darcy, downing her drink as Tony steered her away.

“Oh, I bet,” said Tony.

“I could totally use a rich old patron,” said Darcy. “This is a _great_ party, do you guys get to eat this shit all the time?” She grabbed three canapés from a passing waiter, and winked at him.

“Don’t flirt with the staff, they’re working,” said Tony. “Also Jane will have Thor kill me if you stop research to be a kept woman, just so you know.”

“That waiter was hot,” Darcy grumbled. “Like you’ve never had sex with the staff, come _on_ , we used to watch that video of you in the closet at the Waldorf-Astoria at, like, every slumber party in high school.”

“Jesus Christ,” said Tony, choking on his drink. “This is the karmic payback for my misspent youth, isn’t it. I knew it would happen sooner or later.”

“Want to know my favourite bit?” said Darcy, and Tony had never imagined he could be relieved to see three of the scariest socialites in Manhattan bearing down on him with fixed smiles.

**

A couple of hours, assorted drinks, and a highly competitive game of fuck-marry-kill featuring the other guests – where Tony absolutely had the advantage, since he’d slept with around half of the guests under 50 at the event and knew exactly which ones were worth the trouble – later, he and Darcy ended up back at the penthouse, playing strip poker. Tony was sure that poker hadn’t been his suggestion, and also that he’d originally intended to drop Darcy off at her apartment rather than allowing her free rein with his cocktail cabinet. How the fuck she’d managed to create something a virulent shade of bright green, kind of like Bruce on a bad day, from Tony’s sophisticated selection of liqueurs was beyond him.

What the hell. It took a lot more alcohol than this to make Tony Stark lose at poker. Sure, Darcy wasn’t bad herself, and he’d already lost his tie, jacket, shoes and socks; he’d a killer hand now, though – he set it down with triumph – and that meant – Oh. Darcy smirked, stood up, very slightly unsteadily, unzipped the back of the dress, and the whole strapless confection slid to the ground. Darcy stepped out of it and sat down, crossing her legs and picking up her cards.

Tony had seen a lot of women in underwear. He’d seen a lot of _underwear models_ in underwear. There was nothing he didn’t know about high-end lingerie, and how to get it out of the way as fast as possible. _Countless_ women had stripped for him, with various degrees of skill. So the sight of Darcy casually revealing a strapless white bra which had seen better days and a pair of unmatching and really not very flattering striped blue panties shouldn’t really have been as hot as it was.

Tony blinked, and tried to concentrate. He should probably say something about this…situation. Jane would be distinctly unamused if she found out he’d taken advantage of Darcy, and Jane on her own was pretty scary, not to mention the literal wrath of the gods she could call on.

“Okay,” he said. “Mmm.” He tried to keep his eyes fastened on Darcy’s face.  “You know, we could call this a night, and Jarvis can get you a cab home.” Even to himself, the offer sounded half-hearted.

Darcy looked up from frowning at her hand. She raised an eyebrow. “I was thinking I should get you out of your pants and shirt, and then we should fuck. Problem?”

“Ah,” said Tony. He considered this. He had a sense that there should have been a problem, but he wasn’t sure what it was.

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” he said.

“Oh, sure,” said Darcy. “What, you think he’ll care? You’re Tony Stark, that’s a 100% get out of jail free card; he’ll probably beg me for the juicy details.” She looked Tony over. “I mean, you’re still pretty hot. For your age. I have very intention of hitting that just as soon as I hand you your ass in this game.”

“God, I wish I’d been at college with your generation,” said Tony, with feeling.

**

Tony would’ve preferred to be a little less drunk, so that he could appreciate the experience more, but all the same, sex with Darcy was a lot of fun. He carried her down the hall to his room, showing off a bit, set her on the bed, and set about demonstrating that years of experience had their benefits.

Darcy smelled of apples and patchouli; she was soft and clumsy, nearly kicking Tony in the head and giggling. And it turned out that she was as loud in bed as she was anywhere else. Tony didn’t care: there was only Jarvis to hear them. He brought Darcy off with his mouth, using all his best tricks, once and then again; and then she yanked him up the bed by his hair, kissed him, and then slid down to mouth at his cock. It wasn’t the most skilful blowjob Tony had ever received, but it was definitely up there with the most enthusiastic. Tony lay back and appreciated it as a just reward for his efforts.

He tugged at Darcy’s hair, gently, once he felt that things were heading rapidly towards the point of no return, and she made a muffled noise and upped the pace, causing Tony to make some embarrassingly loud sounds of his own and then come like a freight train. He fell back on the pillow and blinked. Darcy curled up on his stomach and he petted her hair.

“You know, there should be some sex toys and suchlike around here if you want to keep going,” he said after while, looking around vaguely. Then he yawned.

“Kinky,” said Darcy. “I’m good, though. I’ve got to get home and take my contacts out, my eyes are killing me.”

“I can have someone – pick something up. Fetch your glasses. Make some. Whatever,” said Tony, waving a hand.

Darcy snorted. She sat up and looked at him, entirely unselfconscious. “Staying the night would be totally weird,” she said. “Like, you might drool or snore and then I’d be grossed out.”

“True,” said Tony. “I’d definitely do both – I think I’m drooling a little now, actually.” He closed his eyes. “Don’t want you seeing my feet of clay – clay feet – is that what I mean?”

“OK, I’m going to go find my clothes,” said Darcy. “It’s been excellent, I can’t wait to tell all my friends and the tabloids.” She kissed Tony on the cheek and got out of bed.

“Market’s rock bottom in my sexploits at the moment,” said Tony. “Sorry to disappoint.” He tugged the sheet over himself, ineffectually. “Jarvis! I’m going to pass out now, make sure she gets in a cab on our account.”

“Calling one now, sir,” said Jarvis.

“Didn’t you used to have Pepper throw girls out for you?” said Darcy. “Oh wait, sorry, maybe that was tactless, my bad.”

“I can’t hear you, I’m asleep,” said Tony.

“I’m gone,” said Darcy cheerfully, but she bent over and gave him a last, very sweet, kiss, before quietly padding out.

+++

“And then, umm,” said Tony. “Don’t freak out, OK? Bruce and I also had a – a moment.”

“You mean Bruce _Banner_?’ said Matt. “But he – “ He stopped.

“Bruce is a very good friend,” said Tony, carefully. “You would have met him before now, only he’s been off learning yogic flying or whatever in some monastery in Wales.”

“I know he’s your friend,” said Matt. “I didn’t mean to, umm, imply….”

“If it isn’t dangerous, it isn’t fun,” said Tony.

“Oh,” said Matt. Tony reached out and thumbed the crease in his forehead.

“Don’t overthink it,” he said. “I helped a friend out, no big deal.”

“I’m not judging,” said Matt. “Only you’re giving the impression you do that a lot. For your friends. I mean, I haven’t had sex with Foggy or Karen.”

“Yet,” said Tony. “And in fairness, I am an international playboy, people tend to assume that I might be…amenable to that sort of offer.”

“Which you are,” said Matt.

“What can I say?” said Tony.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning in this chapter for brief mentions of the highly dubious consent that goes with a standard sex pollen trope.

Tony was poking at the latest Starkpad on the sofa in the lounge, sometime around 2am or thereabouts, when Clint showed up. Literally, one minute he wasn’t there, and the next he was perched on the other end of the sofa. Tony had the unsettling impression that he might have dropped down from the ceiling.

He grunted to acknowledge Clint’s presence and prodded the screen again. At least half a second too slow to load, damn it, he’d been working on this for a whole day.

“Hey,” said Clint. “Something I want to ask you.”

Tony looked up, mildly irritated. From the tone of Clint’s voice it was something short of a national emergency, whereas it really would be a fucking national emergency if this tablet made it to stores like the incompetents at Stark Tech had intended.

“Yeah?” he said. “Little busy here, but go ahead, by all means, I live to serve the will of SHIELD, etc, etc.”

“Not about SHIELD business,” said Clint. He scrubbed at his hair. “Look, you do guys, right?”

Tony’s attention snapped to him.

“What the fuck,” he said. “Are you – you haven’t been speaking to Natasha, have you?” He eyed Clint – OK, he was hot, sure, but there were limits.

“Whoa, slow down, this isn’t about me, genius,” said Clint, holding up his hands. “No offence, but no way, I have _zero_ interest in going there – and what’s this about Nat?”

“Nothing,” said Tony. “OK, fine. Why ask, then?”

Clint’s mouth twisted. “Darcy and I were playing truth or dare with Bruce last week.”

“That girl is a menace,” said Tony, approvingly. “So?”

“So did you know that Bruce hasn’t got laid since the whole….Hulk thing? I’m talking _years_.”

“Huh,” said Tony. He put down the pad. Maybe this _was_ a problem worthy of his attention.

“Yeah,” said Clint. “Man, that guy is zen. But all the same.” He shrugged. “You like guys, or so I hear. You like Bruce. Everyone knows you’re easy. _Someone_ ’s got to take him for a test run, or he’ll never date again.”

Tony eyed Clint narrowly. “And that matters because…?” he said.

“Just thought you might want to help a friend out,” said Clint, eyes wide and guileless. Except he knew Tony wasn’t going to fall for the innocent look, which meant that something else was going on here re. Bruce and his possible sex life that Clint wasn’t going to tell him, but reckoned Tony could work out for himself, which meant – oh, huh. Hadn’t seen that one coming.

“And it’s not just that you’re, you know, a total slut,” said Clint. “You’re also the only one with the tech to protect yourself if it turns out that the Hulk objects to sexy times. Think of it like a mission.”

“Thanks for the flattery,” said Tony. “No, really, you’re totally selling me on your stellar plan.” He rubbed his chin. “Let’s say for the sake of argument that I was prepared to give it a shot, there’s no way _Bruce_ is going to go for it.”

“You’d think,” said Clint. “He rated you second hottest in the team, though. Truth,” he explained, at Tony’s questioning eyebrow. “Bruce sucks at that game.”

“ _Second_?” said Tony. “I’m hurt. Though – fair enough, I suppose. As long as I rated above Thor.”

“Plus you’re supposed to be an international playboy,” said Clint. “You must have some moves you can pull.”

“I’ll give it some thought,” said Tony.

“Thanks, man,” said Clint. “Bruce is spending next week here, isn’t he? Don’t hang around.” He grinned. “Some people get impatient, waiting. Hard on the new recruits, you know?”

“Point taken,” said Tony.

“Keep me posted,” said Clint, and was gone.

“Jarvis,” said Tony. “Open a new folder for me. I want everything on Bruce Banner’s previous sexual partners, favoured types, top sexual positions, the whole shebang, and I want a suit ready to activate in under thirty seconds to anywhere within the Tower, we can do that, right?”

“This is not a course of action that confirms to my safety protocols. Sir,” said Jarvis, with the cool sarcasm set to ice-cold. “I would not advise it.”

“Oh, come _on_ ,” said Tony. “Pure altruism. I’m like a charitable enterprise for the sex-starved.”

**

He’d done his homework, booked a restaurant that Bruce was sure to like, planned a whole date-type scenario ending in seduction, smooth as fuck, only the best would do. So it figured that Bruce would have had a breakthrough on the new project, that Tony would completely forget about the reservation, and that they’d end up calling out for pizza at midnight and eating it one-handed while tossing around ideas. At about one, Bruce yawned, stretched, called it for the night; Tony made an assenting noise, tweaking the projection, and Bruce wandered off.

Around ten minutes later, Tony looked up to ask Bruce something, and he wasn’t there. Shit. He’d had a plan.

“Jarvis,” he said. “Is Bruce awake?”

There was a pause. “Vital signs place him in his bathroom,” said Jarvis.

Tony rubbed at his chin, thinking. It was tempting to carry on working, and his original scenario was shot; now that he’d remembered it, though, he kind of wanted to get his proposition out of the way. Plus, he’d put a lot of effort into this.

“Protocols in place?” he said. “Wish me luck.”

“Good luck, sir,” said Jarvis. “Please recall the lack of guarantee in relation to your injury or death.”

“Got it,” said Tony.

He headed for his room first, quick wash and brush, and then padded down the corridors towards Bruce’s room, in bare feet. Bruce answered the door on his first knock, looking wary. He was minus his glasses, wearing pyjama bottoms and an old shirt and smelt of toothpaste; weirdly domestic.

“What’s up?” he said. Then his face sharpened. “Did you solve it?”

“No, this isn’t a work visit,” said Tony. “Can I come in a moment?”

“Sure,” said Bruce, his brows furrowed.

Tony came in, glancing around curiously; he wasn’t often in Bruce’s private space. It was extremely neat, and almost empty, just a few books on the shelves and a tidy stack of papers on the desk.

Bruce was waiting patiently for him to explain, arms folded.

“OK,” said Tony. “Here’s the thing. I heard on the grapevine that it had been a while since you had – you know.” He made an expressive hand gesture. “And I want to help.”

Bruce rubbed his forehead.

“Truth or dare,” he said in a resigned voice.

“Yeah, pretty much,” said Tony.

“And you thought you’d just come here and, what, proposition me? I’m not a charity case, Tony.”

Tony contemplated the various smooth lines he’d prepared in response to this statement, and then mentally shrugged and threw them out.

“I want to,” he said. He stepped into Bruce’s space, keeping his arms loose, open, meeting his eyes. He licked his lips. “Scratch that, I _really_ want to.”

Bruce swallowed. “Tony…” he said.

“Give it a try,” said Tony, using his most persuasive tone, and hearing it come out a little lower than usual. “Nothing complicated, just a couple of friends helping each other out. You’ve been there before, right? Late night in the lab, one thing leads to another…”

“Mmm,” said Bruce. He rubbed the back of his neck.  He definitely wasn’t running screaming or hulking out, so that was two ticks in the plus column. This might even work. Tony’s pulse picked up a little. It wasn’t just pride, here, he genuinely did want this.

“But that was before _him_ ,” Bruce said. “It’s too risky, I can’t – “

“Stop right there,” said Tony. “Jarvis, we’re set, right?” He backed a couple of steps and opened Bruce’s door, without looking away from his face or looking round. He could hear the familiar whirr as the suit, standing against the corridor wall, geared up. Bruce’s eyes flicked to it, and then back to Tony. Tony spread his hands, and shut the door.

“I thought having it in the room might, you know, kill the mood,” he said. “But we ran calculations. I can be suited up and out of here in less than twenty seconds, and I also installed a _really_ heavy-duty tranquillizer gun in that model. There’s no-one on this floor tonight except you. Let’s say worst-case scenario, you trash the Tower, not a problem, we can rebuild – “

“Let’s say worst-case scenario, the big guy trashes _Manhattan_ ,” said Bruce.

“We can go as slow as you like, stop any minute you feel even slightly green,” said Tony. “You’re a scientist, don’t you want to _know_? Let’s face it, it’s not just my ego talking when I say I’m your best bet for finding out without anyone getting hurt.”

Bruce had the familiar, conflicted, expression he got when Tony pointed out that whatever exciting thing they were working on had been acquired by totally illegal means. Tony put his hands in his pockets, partly because he was suddenly feeling very tempted to push things along by manhandling Bruce onto the bed and seeing what happened.

“I don’t even know if I – with someone else,” Bruce said. “It’s been years. You’re going to be disappointed.”

Tony raised one eyebrow. “That was a yes, right?”

Bruce’s mouth twisted, and he nodded. He looked as though he was consenting to a prison sentence; Tony would have felt insulted, but decided to cut him some slack. He sat down on Bruce’s bed and patted the space beside him. Bruce sat down awkwardly, looking at him sideways, obviously on the verge of calling it off.

“How about we think high school,” said Tony. “Teenagers. Making out, awkward groping – nice and slow…” Of course, he hadn’t exactly had the usual high school experience, or much high school experience at all, but hey, he’d seen all the movies. He angled himself round, reached out cautiously, and leant in to kiss Bruce on the mouth.

It started out awkward, but once they got into the swing of it Bruce was a great kisser, a little hesitant but thoughtful and focused, as though he was noting what turned Tony on and making sure he did more of it. Tony couldn’t remember the last time he’d sat on a bed like this, just kissing. He made a noise of appreciation, running his hands over the soft material at Bruce’s sides and then sliding them underneath. Bruce sucked in a breath, but didn’t stop him, kissing him with renewed determination.

Tony ran with it for a lot longer than he usually would have, enjoying the slow build, and then broke off, sat back a little and pulled his T-shirt over his head. He saw Bruce looking at his chest, with its scars, and let him. Bruce pulled his own shirt off, with Tony helping, and Tony hummed in appreciation: great muscles, he reached out to run his hands over them, and Bruce leaned in and took his mouth again, with more urgency.

Tony shifted as best he could to pull himself closer, feel that glorious skin; they were awkwardly entwined and he was beginning to think that he really needed some friction here. He left Bruce’s mouth reluctantly and kissed down his neck, biting at his shoulder a little.

Bruce was trembling slightly, barely perceptible. Tony reached out for one of his hands, and, moving things along, pressed it against his own crotch. Bruce’s hand tightened a little and Tony rocked into it, shameless.

“Oh,” said Bruce.

“Yeah,” said Tony. “Like I said, I _want_ to. Anything, whatever you want.” He kissed Bruce again, and ran a hand slowly down his chest, leaving plenty of time for Bruce to stop him. Bruce was hard too, which was a relief. Tony trailed his hand lightly across Bruce’s pyjama bottoms, wanting to touch, wanting to –

“I want to suck you,” he said.

Bruce laughed, incredulous.

“Please,” said Tony, because God did he want to. This whole situation was shifting into something appallingly hot. It had been almost a game, working out whether he could he talk Bruce into it, speculating about whether he would get away with it or end up fleeing from the Hulk. Now that the idea that he might make Bruce Banner lose control, that Bruce was going to let him see that happen, was almost reality, saying that it was a massive turn-on was an understatement of huge proportions.

Plus, it was a while since he’d had sex that was genuinely dangerous.

“There’s nothing noble about my motivations,” he said. “I’m literally begging you to let me suck your cock.” He looked up at Bruce through his eyelashes. Bruce looked stunned.

“Uh,” he said.

Tony decided that this was as much assent as Bruce was likely capable of for now, having been hit with Tony in full-on sex mode, and expedited matters by sliding to his knees between Bruce’s legs and running his hands up his inner thighs, feeling the strength under the thin cotton.

“Oh my God,” said Bruce.

“Let me?” said Tony. He bent his head and breathed on Bruce,’s cock, almost but not quite mouthing it.

He heard Bruce swallow, above him. “Um, sure,” he said, clearly striving for lightness. “Carry on.”

Tony smiled. He tugged at Bruce’s pyjamas, getting them down far enough to work with, he was too impatient for anything fancier. He’d seen Bruce naked before – whole populations had seen Bruce naked – but he hadn’t paid close attention. Bruce’s cock was large, but not unduly so. Tony licked him gently, enjoying it – it had been a while since he’d done this – and started teasing, steadying Bruce’s cock with one hand and tracing patterns around its head; sliding one finger behind his balls, enjoying Bruce shivering under his hands.

Maybe too much teasing wouldn’t be the best idea, though, under the circumstances. He flicked a glance over Bruce, to check he looked entirely and indisputably non-green, and then opened his mouth and took him in, as far as he could, starting to move in rhythm. Bruce groaned, above him. He wanted – he reached out, half-blindly, found Bruce’s hand, and tugged it towards his head. Bruce said something that might have been Tony’s name, and obligingly tightened his hand just enough in Tony’s hair, not pushing it, but giving direction.

Tony hollowed his cheeks, swallowing, feeling the tension all through Bruce’s body. He was still wearing jeans, which had been a terrible tactical error: he definitely didn’t want to stop, so he spared one hand to try to fumble them open, and gasped around Bruce when he managed just enough to give himself some relief.

That made Bruce jerk, helplessly, and make a pained noise. Tony sucked harder, using his tongue, and then Bruce’s hand in his hair tugged, hard, and Tony took the hint and pulled off, replacing his mouth with his hand and giving Bruce a couple of quick strokes, watching his face contort in human pleasure as he came.

Tony would have felt delighted with this result, except that he was desperate to come himself. Bruce had his eyes closed, leaning back on the bed, chest heaving. Tony took himself in hand and grunted at the sensation: this really wasn’t going to take long. But before he could get going, Bruce seemed to come to, slid in a heap off the bed, pushed Tony onto the floor and braced himself above him, and as Tony, surprised, opened his mouth to say something, Bruce took his cock in a large, warm hand, and whatever he’d been intending to say dissolved in a groan.

Bruce was – he was perfect, his hand was perfect, confident and firm and exactly the way Tony liked it, because he was a genius. Tony arched up and Bruce leant down and kissed him fervently, and that was it, Bruce’s tongue was in his mouth and Tony was coming, helplessly.

After a while, Tony stopped shuddering with aftershocks, and loosened his hold on Bruce. Bruce rolled off him. Tony sat up, slowly, and propped himself against the bed. He hadn’t even taken his jeans off. Nor had Bruce. Tony’s hands were shaking slightly.

Bruce pushed himself up to sit against the bedside cabinet, and there was a loaded silence while they looked at each other.

Tony focused on catching his breath, seeing Bruce do the same. He was pretty sure that they were both on exactly the same page, hell, the same line, but he couldn’t just leave it be.

“This was a mistake, right?” he said. His jaw ached. It felt great.

“Yeah,” said Bruce. He took a deep breath, and blew it out.

“Because that was – “ said Tony. He waved a hand.

Bruce swallowed audibly, and didn’t say anything.

“Too good,” said Tony, finishing his own sentence. “Because we could be fucking awesome together, but – “

“But,” said Bruce. He looked down at his hands, turning them over. “There’s someone else. Kind of.”

“I know,” said Tony. Bruce’s head shot up. “No, you didn’t give it away, I worked it out from something Clint said. Does _she_ know?”

“I’ve no idea,” said Bruce. “Maybe. I haven’t said – I wouldn’t ever have said, you know.”

“And now you should,” said Tony. “Now that we know that coming your brains out doesn’t, you know, upset anyone.”

Bruce leaned back. “You and Pepper?” he said.

Tony couldn’t stop his mouth from twisting. “Over. Maybe. Probably. On a scale of 1 to never speaking to each other again - ”

“Tony,” said Bruce. “Don’t give up on her. If you want her back, you’ll find a way.”

“Yeah, but what if I don’t want her back?” said Tony. “I mean, look at me. At this precise moment, do I look like good boyfriend material for a smart, desirable woman who could have anyone she fucking wanted?”

He gestured towards his state of disarray. Bruce grimaced.

“Yeah,” said Tony. He met Bruce’s eyes. “If this was a fuck-up, I’m sorry,” he said, sincere for once, because Bruce deserved it. “I didn’t expect it to be so...”

“No,” said Bruce.  “I mean. That - that felt – “ he drew in another breath. “It felt pretty amazing.”

“Mmm,” said Tony. Getting off the floor, crawling into bed with Bruce, and maybe doing it all again in a couple of hours sounded like the best idea he’d had in a long time, which was exactly why he shouldn’t do it. Because he and Bruce, together – _together_ together – would be too much, and they were both smart enough to know it.

“I’m going to go shower,” he said. Bruce blinked. “In my own room.”

“Probably best,” said Bruce, and Tony wasn’t kidding himself that he could hear a thread of wistfulness there: selfish, but he was glad he wasn’t suffering alone in this.

He rolled his shoulders, heaved himself up, and stretched, not looking to see if Bruce was looking.

“See you in the lab?”

“Sure,” said Bruce, and Tony walked out without looking back, leaving him sitting there.

+++

“And that’s it for teammates,” said Tony. “Unless you count, umm, scenarios in which informed consent was compromised by – the forces of evil.”

Matt, who had been idly running a hand along Tony’s arm, tightened his grip.

“No, it’s OK, I didn’t mean it like that, though it’s true I have this recurring fantasy about Loki and his enormous staff  - ow, you’re bruising me here – Look, there was this incident, which is highly, highly classified, but it involved a Hydra lab and a… chemical substance.”

“Go on,” said Matt.

“And this _may_ have resulted in a short-lived sexual encounter with, uh, Sam Wilson and Steve Rogers.”

“If you’re kidding about this, it isn’t funny, Tony.”

“No,” said Tony. “Even I wouldn’t make up shit like this. I mean, I thought it _was_ pretty funny, at the time, and Sam was fine with it, he’s a cool guy, you’ll like him, but Steve – it was three weeks before he spoke to me properly again, and he still gets a bit edgy around me.”

“This was _recent_?” said Matt.

“Around a year,” said Tony. “Don’t get worked up, this kind of stuff is pretty much an occupational hazard. I mean, as Hydra goes it was more or less harmless – of course we were probably _meant_ to rip each other to shreds or whatever, but that didn’t pan out.”

“So you were – you’re OK?” said Matt. “This isn’t – it’s not normal to me. A chemical reaction? Seriously? I didn’t even know that was possible.”

“Us neither,” said Tony. “Not that it hasn’t been tried by assorted parties before, it’s just never _worked_. That we know of. But apparently, with enough evil motivation, anything’s possible.”

+++

It seemed like a simple mission. Go in, blow up the secret lab/weapons base/whatever, arrest anyone left standing, get out. Tony wouldn’t even have been involved, only he’d been pestering Maria nonstop for something to do in the aftermath of Pepper walking out on him for maybe the final time, and she’d clearly decided that Steve and Sam could take over babysitting duties for a while. Plus, as Tony had made very evident to all and sundry since Pepper’s departure, he really needed to blow up some stuff.

The base was pretty simple – concrete structure in the woods in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in Eastern Europe – but when they blasted in through the doors, it was obvious that they’d stumbled on a slightly more sophisticated set-up than the Hydra norm. The lab hummed with technology, fragile glass equipment everywhere, and it looked completely empty.

Which was why Tony raised the faceplate, like a total amateur, to crack a lame joke, just as a tiny scientist popped up from behind a cupboard and smashed a vial on the floor, steam pouring up from it. Tony shot her with a tranquilizer – scientists were too valuable to waste – but unfortunately by then he’d already taken a couple of breaths.

The next bit was confused. He remembered slamming down the faceplate and asking Jarvis to run diagnostics, turning to get Steve and Sam out of there and seeing their identical horrified expressions. Then there was a jump and his armour was on the floor. It had been too hot, he was boiling, the armour must have been malfunctioning somehow; there was sweat running down his back.

Then another jump and he was on the floor himself, Steve covering him; must be some imminent danger, though it was hard to care with Steve’s mouth right there, also, God, he was hard and he thought Steve was too, and he reached up and pulled Steve down, shoving up against him gracelessly.

He was on his hands and knees and someone, maybe Steve, was pushing in and it hurt, and it felt amazing and fuck, he was desperate for it, and someone else – Sam? –  he couldn’t remember – was running possessive hands over him and he wanted more, now, harder, inside him and touching him in every possible way…

God, he had a fucking awful headache, everything hurt, there was something hard and cold digging into his back and bright lights dancing in front of his eyes – where the fuck was he – and then his brain woke up enough to register that they were actual lights, held by agents in black. He had just enough rational thought to be glad they looked like SHIELD rather than Hydra, and then he passed out again.

**

The debriefing, after the inevitable hospital stay and being poked with needles by a bunch of SHIELD incompetents, was, unsurprisingly, a car crash.

Being discovered by a bunch of strangers lying on the floor naked, covered in come and mostly incapacitated was not an entirely unprecedented experience in Tony’s life to date, so he was by far the best off. Sam looked resigned but as if he was taking it in his stride. Steve, however, had an expression of stoic anguish that suggested that this was his worst-case scenario.

Tony didn’t listen to Maria’s report. It wasn’t exactly hard to work out what had happened, though kudos to Hydra for their new wonder-drug; if they gave up on being evil Nazis they could make a genuine killing. Maria was droning on about chemical composition and pheromones and the results of their blood-tests: he didn’t need to pay attention, Jarvis was secretly recording and could filter out anything important. Jarvis had called SHIELD in to rescue them, he should probably work out what the AI equivalent of a pay raise was – server upgrade? Was there anything to upgrade to? He’d have to build something…

He tuned back in when Maria cleared her throat, pointedly, and then asked if they could remember any details of the sexual effects.

“I don’t recall,” said Steve, with no inflection.

Sam glanced at him, and then away. “Yeah, me neither.”

“Oh, come on,” said Tony, rolling his eyes. “Give them nothing and you open this up to the wildest possible speculation.” He rocked his chair back and looked at Maria. “I’ve only got fragments,” he said. “I’m pretty sure Rogers fucked me and I gave Wilson a blowjob, or so physical evidence would suggest. I don’t think I came more than once, so no freaky multi-orgasmic properties, more’s the pity. Maybe felt a little like Viagra and LSD, plus a little coke in the mix, what do you guys think?”

“He doesn’t mean Coca-Cola,” said Sam to Steve.

“I know,” said Steve, without smiling, or even looking up from where he was staring at his hands.

“Uh, I’m not qualified to answer that question,” said Sam. “And as for the rest, yeah, I’ll go with Stark’s assessment of – events. There might have been a bit more to it but, ummm. More of the same, is what I’m saying. Nothing we couldn’t have come up with our own selves.”

“We’d have brought more lube,” said Tony. “Make a note on that, for when SHIELD’s testing its efforts to replicate the effects.”

Maria shot him a filthy look, which was a little unfair when Tony was a traumatized victim in this scenario. “Fine,” she said, typing. “Steve? You want to add anything?”

“No,” said Steve, curt, and then he pushed back his chair and walked out of the meeting,

“That went well,” said Tony, as the door slammed behind him. “You know, I’m the one who got fucked, here.”

“Cut him some slack,” said Sam. “This is a big deal for him.”

“Why, was it his first time?” said Tony. He opened his mouth to add a few more choice comments. Then he stopped. “Jesus, tell me it wasn’t his first time.”

Sam shrugged. “Steve’s a private guy,” he said. “I’m not going to speak for him, and I wouldn’t discuss his sex life even if I knew anything about it.”

“And how about you, how come you’re so chilled out about this?”

“I had kind of a wild phase when I was a teen,” Sam said. “Not like yours,” he added reprovingly, as Tony grinned at him. “Sex that I wouldn’t have had sober? Crazy shit on the battlefield? Not my first rodeo. No lasting harm, right?”

“Right,” said Tony. He _liked_ Sam, he decided. Also, he was definitely hot. In fact Tony was feeling so magnanimous about the blowjob and whatever that he would have been happy to do it again in his right mind. He contemplated the chances of this happening and concluded, regretfully, that they were low.

“Give Steve time,” said Sam, to Tony and Maria both, and Tony was charitable enough, at that moment, to agree.

He gave Steve plenty of time. _Weeks_ of time, during which Steve failed to look him in the eye, address him directly, or be alone in the same space with him, despite them being on the same team and taking down another three much duller Hydra labs. Tony was at first mildly entertained, then irritated, then concerned, and then that rapidly took a turn into extremely pissed off. Maybe they’d thought gay sex was catching in the 1940s, but hey, 21 st century, Steve was supposed to have got with the programme by now, and acting like Tony was a pariah was not cool.

Finally, he’d had enough. After the last debriefing meeting, he jumped up and held the door, ushering Natasha, Clint and Bruce out and then grabbing Steve’s arm. He felt Steve flinch, even through his outfit.

“We need to talk, honey,” he said.

Maria slid past, not even glancing at them.

Steve’s mouth tightened. “Fine,” he said. He tugged himself loose, went into the hallway and stopped at the window, gripping the sill and staring out at the view of a field with some SHIELD agents running around it.

“Well, this is awkward,” said Tony, leaning casually against the window beside him. “For you. Because Captain America acting like a homophobic dick puts a dampener on the whole ‘we’re a team, yay!’ act. I mean, drugged gay sex may be a big trauma for you, but I happen to know for a fact that I’m not the only Avenger who is less than 100% heterosexually pure. It’s not that I expected flowers and candy – “

“Wait, what?” said Steve, actually looking Tony in the face for once. He looked horrified by Tony’s little speech.

“You thought that I – I don’t care that it was _queer_ ,“ he said. He huffed out a breath and his mouth twisted into something bitter. “Maybe you don’t know me very well, if you’d think that of me. I didn’t _ask_ you, Tony, I hurt you, doesn’t that bother you even a little?”

Tony blinked. “You’re worried about consent?” he said. “That’s what this has been about? Relax, we were drugged, it’s nothing I haven’t done before – “

“How can you _say_ that?” said Steve. “It’s wrong, it was – “

“Steve,” said Tony, because Steve really was beating himself up over this, and clearly had been for weeks, and suddenly he could appreciate that it wasn’t all that funny for him. “If you’d been able to ask, and I’d been able to answer coherently, I would have said yes.”

Steve gave him an incredulous look.

“Come on,” said Tony. “Captain America? Asking to fuck me? You think I would have turned that down? Maybe you don’t know _me_ very well. Hasn’t anyone helped you to Google your teammates yet?”

“Oh,” said Steve. There was a lengthy silence.

“So we’re OK?” said Tony.

“If you say so,” said Steve. There was another silence. Steve shifted awkwardly, giving Tony a sideways look. “You know, I’m kind of taken,” he said.  “I mean, uh. He isn’t exactly around right now, but if he were. It’s – pretty complicated.”

“He,” said Tony. “Wow. And here I thought I was special.” He paused. “I guess you’re not a virgin, then?”

Steve looked at him, and then he smiled, that slow smile that lit up his eyes and made women – and men, evidently – go a little weak in the knees.

“Sorry to disappoint,” he said. “We did have gay sex back then.”

“Fine, whatever,” said Tony. Then a truly horrifying thought occurred to him. “But not with my dad, right?”

Steve’s smile widened. “No. I’d say your old man was strictly devoted to the ladies.”

“Good, good,” said Tony. “And I wasn’t – there’s a lot of people I’d be perfectly happy to fuck, it’s a long list. Very, very long.”

“That’s nice,” said Steve. He took in a deep breath, and blew it out. “I’m glad we had this talk.”

“Oh, me too, absolutely,” said Tony, wondering how quickly he could get the intel about the identity of Steve’s boyfriend and his complications. Maybe even smooth them out a little. What could be so complicated that unlimited access to cash and technology couldn’t solve it, after all?

+++

“Could’ve been worse, right?” said Tony. “Right?”

Matt drew in a breath and let it out, slowly. He could tell that Tony was skirting around things he didn’t want to tell Matt: his heart rate had picked up at certain points, and eased at others. That was – helpful to know, really.

“In the interests of full disclosure, I did proposition Maria once, too,” said Tony. “She shot me down. But hey, I have absolutely never propositioned Thor, or Clint, or, umm, Jane, because if I had I’d be dead, or…Eric Selvig, I have definitely never tried to fuck him…And Fury – I mean there has to be a line somewhere – ”

“It’s OK,” said Matt. Tony was almost _nervous_ , he thought. Andit was OK, mostly. He shrugged. “I asked.” He thought about it a minute, wanting to give an honest answer. “I’m glad I know about some of this stuff.”

“None of this was a big deal,” said Tony. His hand traced over Matt’s chest. “Comparatively speaking – compared to me and Pepper, for instance. That was - ” he swallowed. “I haven’t always, uh, put a lot of thought into – other people. Even when they’re important to me.”

“Mmm,” said Matt. He didn’t, in all honesty, want to hear about Tony and Pepper, especially when he’d be meeting her for the first time in a couple of days. But he recognized that he _ought_ to want to know, given how important she was to Tony.

Maybe Tony sensed his mood. He pushed himself up and kissed Matt on the mouth, gently, and then less gently.

“Hey, you should confess something to me now,” he said.

Matt smiled. “I have a priest for that,” he said.

“Do you confess _this_?” said Tony, his voice getting darker. He sucked a kiss into Matt’s neck, and one of his hands slid between Matt’s legs, stroking gently. Matt arched up a little, into it.

“Of course,” he said, trying to keep his voice even. “Though not – ah – in detail.”  

“I’d pay good money to hear that,” said Tony, working his way across Matt’s chest, pausing to lick and then thumb at a nipple. His other hand caressed, and Matt spread his legs a little wider. He hadn’t thought he’d be interested, after earlier, but it seemed he was wrong.

He felt the curve of Tony’s smile against his skin. “If I say, ‘take me to church,’ will you throw me out of bed?” Tony said. “I mean, I’m _trying_ to be respectful – “

“Just shut up and fuck me,” said Matt, losing all patience, and Tony laughed and kissed him.


End file.
